"... pay close attention to the times that God calls you away from the valley and invites you to tiptoe quietly back into the light. It is still there, waiting for you."
For a little over a year now I have learned and perfected the art of guarding my heart even more and to protect it at all cost. So, to step out "into the light" was much more than I desired to do … but I have to fight for the happiness I deserve. If I want to somehow start getting my life back together then I have to start embracing small steps to wholeness.
I will be the first to admit that the stages of grief are all consuming in moments and sometimes days. The stage of anger was and is one of my biggest struggles. I have unleashed my furry on a few dear family and friends, who thankfully still love me. My anger comes from a place of honesty and although it is somewhat uncomfortable it helps to continue the softening of my heart. They are small steps in a powerful direction, allowing me to not hold so tightly to my fears. Anger is not one of those "pretty feminine" attributes that I "do" well but if you channel it well, anger can be both liberating and productive. And although I will admit that "angry Kristin" is not an enjoyable place to be, (or enjoyable to be with) she does have a valid place in this process. Yet through the anger, the months have unfolded, life has continued on, but the reality of our situation reamains the same.
What I am learning is there is no finish line on this journey. There is; however, an embracing of the "new" me and my "new" family. The marathon race we began with before I even knew it and the load I carry now is more than I anticipated. I have changed. I am not who I once was 12 months ago, and I don’t anticipate being "her" again. We will continue to develop and grow, hopefully for the better.
Trust is harder to come by, and faith in God is often a decision, rather than a way of life.
The "new" me hurts more often, cries more easily, and often ungraciously lashes out in anger. But the "new" me also take pleasure in great conversations and delights in hardy laughs.
The "new" me has learned that evenings with grade school friends are some of my best treasures. The "new" me is learning that (if you allow yourself to listen) God shows up to comfort us when we least expect Him.
So for now, I am embracing the "new" me. I embrace all that I have learned and will continue to learn on this journey. I embrace all of the hurts, loves, and new joys that we are experiencing through all of this. They are all incredible teachers. And I also embrace all the …peace that today offers… as I place one toe out of the valley and feel the light that waits to shine on us again.